The Congressional Democratic Etiquette Forum Chaired by Mrs. Gloria Teasdale.
The Democrats under her leadership are getting tough!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: I would like to welcome Mrs. Gloria Teasdale, our new Chairwoman of the Congressional Democratic Etiquette Forum. Mrs Teasdale has had a long and distinguished career enforcing etiquette under difficult circumstances. After some of the regrettable incidents that took place at President Trump’s recent address to Congress I thought it wise to seek her advice. Mrs. Teasdale.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Thank you Mr. Jeffries. As the new Chairwoman of the Congressional Democratic Etiquette Forum I would like to call this meeting to order. Please make sure that each of you are in your proper seat marked by your embossed notecard.
ALL: Yes, Mrs. Teasdale.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: I was most disappointed by some of the outrageous behavior demonstrated by a few of our members at the recent address by President Trump. I have to impress upon you all that the fall of our Republic is no excuse for rudeness and a lack of breeding. I am looking at you, Mr. Green.
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Al is sorry, Mrs. Teasdale..
REPRESENTATIVE AL GREEN: (Muttering) Like fuck I am….
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mr. Green!
HAKIM JEFFRIES:…and I am sure that it will never happen again.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: See that is doesn’t, Mr. Green.
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Mrs. Teasdale and I realize how difficult it is to watch the collapse of American democracy, the assault by President Trump upon the democratic norms that sustain our Republic, and his craven betrayal of every decent impulse of the American people. But we need to remember that we are Members of Congress, and therefore owe it to the public to uphold the image of the Legislative Branch.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: I can recall when the Nazis marched into Paris. My poor sainted first husband, the late Lord Snodberry of Brembertonigham on the Clyde, urged his French colleagues to welcome the Germans with a garden party, but they failed to do so. Most disturbing and a poor reflection upon our French allies.
AL GREEN: Just like President Trump coming into our Congress and lying like a motherfucker?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mr. Green!!!!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Al…
AL GREEN: But he was lying…
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Yes, Mr. Green, we are quite aware that the President overstated his so called mandate. But a social faux pas by a guest is no excuse for a rudeness committed by a host against that guest.
HAKIM JEFFRIES: We are taking the high road against President Trump. He is trying to drag us down into the mud and we will not allow that to happen.
AL GREEN: Sort of like when a guy in an alley picks up a bottle and tries to bash your head in?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Exactly, Mr. Green. In such a situation a gentleman would attempt to reason with the attacker rather than lowering oneself by engaging in fisticuffs.
AL GREEN: Well, Mrs. Teasdale, I still think bashing him in the head with lead pipe would be a better choice.
HAKIM JEFFRIES: But will that win us votes, Al?
AL GREEN: Maybe not, but I’d walk out of the fucking alley.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mr. Green!!!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Maybe we should move on.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Very well, Mr. Jeffries. I would like to touch on several other unfortunate incidents at the President’s speech. More than a few of you were seen to hold up rude signs as the President entered the chambers. And yes, I am looking at you, Mrs. Stansbury.
MELANIE STANSBURY: All it said was “This Is Not Normal”.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: What is not normal, young lady, is to confront a guest with a hand lettered sign. A proper lady would hand a gentleman an embossed envelope containing the communication the lady wishes to deliver. To use a term which I blush to allow to pass my lips, I would have to refer to your actions as “tacky”. Do not let it happen again.
AL GREEN: (Muttering) J. Fucking C…
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mr. Green! Really!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Maybe we should move on.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Indeed we shall. It has become clear to me that many of you are sadly ignorant of the proper way to greet a guest, even if that guest is somewhat distasteful, and could use instruction on the fine art of polite communication. Therefore, we shall practice. Mr. Green, I wish you to pretend that Mrs. Stansbury has committed some slight social faux pas…
AL GREEN: Like what?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Perhaps she is President and has dispatched armed troops against peaceful demonstrators, arresting dozens and wounding a few. In such a case, what would you do?
AL GREEN: Call for her impeachment and perhaps her arrest?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: No. Mr. Green, that is not what we would do. What we would do is write a note of displeasure to Mrs. Stansbury asking her to recognize the error of her ways.
AL GREEN: Is that all!
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: No, Mr. Green, that is not all. You would also ask her to tea so you could discuss the situation in pleasant surroundings.
AL GREEN: (Muttering) Fucking hell…
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mr. Green, really!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Let’s move on.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mrs. Stansbury. Shall we see if you have a more nuanced understanding than does our colleague Mr. Green? So, if Mr. Green as President were to freeze all Social Security Checks, casting millions of our elderly into the deepest pit of poverty, suffering, and despair, what action would you take? And don’t tell me you would hold up a rude, crudely written hand lettered sign. But I will give you a hint. You would write something
MELANIE STANSBURY: I’d write a bigger sign, put it on a steel pipe, and beat him in the fucking head with it?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Goodness, gracious no, Mrs. Stansbury! You would write him a note, asking he and his wife to bridge one evening so that you could discuss your differences over a civilized game of cards.
MELANIE STANSBURY: (Muttering) I’d push him off a fucking bridge….
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Mrs. Stansbury, really!
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Melanie…
GREEN AND STANSBURY: Oh, shut up, Hakim.
HAKIM JEFFRIES: Perhaps we should move on.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Indeed, Mr. Jeffries. I would like Mr. Green and Mrs. Stansbury to engage in a bit of role play. You are to imagine that the President has charged several members of Congress with bogus offenses and had them imprisoned. He has also surrounded the Congress with armed troops and is demanding that the remainder of the body dissolve themselves. Meanwhile, the two of you have been invited to attend a dinner at the White House. Now please briefly confer and arrive at a course of action.
GREEN AND STANSBURY: Yes, Mrs. Teasdale.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Meanwhile I shall speak to the rest of you. I want you to remember that in these difficult times the eyes of the nation are upon you. You must uphold the image of the Legislative Branch with honor and dignity. To assist you in that task I am distributing to you gratis my book Democratic Etiquette Under Conditions of Tyranny. My dear second husband, Lord Eustace Blabbering of Neutered in the Wold had this printed in 1956 and distributed to the Hungarian freedom fighters in that same year. While the fight for freedom in that nation was unfortunately unsuccessful, I think it can be said that the book did bring about a somewhat more successful social season that year than would have been expected under the circumstances. Mr. Green and Mrs. Stansbury. Are you ready to report?
GREEN AND STANSBURY: Yes, Mrs. Teasdale.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: So how would you respond to the President’s previously described seizure of power?
STANSBURY: At the dinner we would wait for the President to stand to make a toast.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Excellent, young lady! And next?
GREEN: I would sneak up behind him and get my cane around his throat while Melanie would hold her steak knife against his groin and threaten to cut off his dick if he moved.
STANSBURY: Then I would call on any members of the military who were present to be true to their oath to defend the Constitution by taking the MOFO into custody and holding him for trial.
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Goodness me, no!
GREEN: So, what should we do?
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: You rise to make your own toast, daintily but firmly striking your glass with your demitasse spoon to gain the attention of the attendees. Then you would make a toast to the Constitution, thereby gently reminding the President that he had taken an oath to uphold that document. I am certain such a toast would bring him to his senses and restore the situation.
GREEN AND STANSBURY: (Muttering) Fucking hell…
CHAIRWOMAN MRS. TEASDALE: Well! I can certainly see that I shall have my work cut out for me in civilizing you people! How you were able to be elected to this august body by the good voters of our country, I shall never know! But I shan’t be discouraged. We shall meet again in one week’s time. At that meeting I shall instruct you on the proper place setting for high tea, an excellent time to deliver a stiff lecture to a president carrying out mass arrests of one’s fellow legislators. That was exactly the technique we used against General Augusto Pinochet of Chile when he crushed that nation’s democracy. It did not work out quite as we planned, but I have made adjustments that I am certain will render it much more effective.
ALL: (Muttering) Fucking holy hell…