Sexpionage Agent Alpha Passes Trump To Sexpionage Agent Beta
Sexually Explicit: Melania briefs Tulsi
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Sexpionage Agent Beta reporting as ordered.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Excellent. You have been fully briefed by our controller?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Affirmative. Controller Code Name Emerald has fully informed me of my duties. I am most impressed that you were able to perform such a distasteful task for 26 years. Your loyalty to the cause is an inspiration.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Thank you. When Our Great Leader Vladimir the Impaler told me that I was going to have to give up being impaled by him and dedicate myself to being impaled by Subject Code Name Krasnod Tiny Pumpkin, I had to steel myself to my duty. But it was a necessary sacrifice for the cause.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Will I too have to give up the pleasure of being impaled by The Impaler and Great Tamer of Leopards?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Regrettably, yes. But you can keep blowing Assad. That was part of the reason he fled to Moscow after being overthrown, and the Impaler feels like he owes him. And remember: it is vital that in your new position as Director of National Intelligence you continue your briefings with our superiors. You will be subjected to much clever lying and propaganda by The Deep State in their efforts to foil the plans of The Impaler.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “I am interested to learn from such a master of our craft as you. Can you tell me where you received your basic training in our techniques? Was it in Slovenia?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “No. I was specially trained at the Russian Secret Service State School 4, also called ‘Fuck U’. We learned all of the necessary techniques. The training was deep and hard. I was so eager to learn that I pulled several muscles and even dislocated a vertebrae. But I quickly rose to the top of the class. I found that I liked it on top. I was called ‘The Bull Rider’. They quickly decided that I would be sent to America for an important long term assignment. How about you? What has been your training?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “I began by fucking over all of my democratic supporters. I have also studied the Kama Sutra in great depth.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Yes. I often used ‘The Toad’ position. Based on the name it seemed apt. I also invented a few more including ‘The Yawn’ and ‘The Tiny Hands’. Sexpionage Agent Stormy taught me the ‘Sally at the Diner’. I used it more than the rest put together.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “I didn’t know Sexpionage Agent Stormy worked for us!”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “She did the one job and quit. Sexpionage Agent Stormy has her limits.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Can you give me any tips about dealing with Subject Code Name Tiny Pumpkin?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “You will have to constantly massage his ego. He likes to be called ‘Big Boy’, ‘Better Than Putin’ and “Hillary’.
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Hillary?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Don’t ask. And if he wants you to wear a Joe Biden mask, just say yes.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “How easy will it be to get information out of him?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “He’ll spill like a 14 year old with his first hooker, which he’ll also do when you call him ‘Hillary’. I really don’t think we even have to use sex. You can’t shut him up. It’s always blah, blah, blah. I’m surprised he didn’t tweet the nuclear codes. And he leaves top secret documents in the bathroom all the time. I don’t think he even reads them. That’s the best way to get useful intelligence, just go in there to check your makeup. He does that a lot, too. If you ask him about the documents he’ll just explain them wrong. We are talking about a man who thinks you can buy the Panama Canal on Zillow. But in your job as Director of National Intelligence you won’t have to get information out of him. You’ll have access to as much top secret intelligence as he does.”
Former National Intelligence Chairman: Tulsi Gabbard Is Unfit and Dangerous
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “So why do I have to fuck him?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “To keep him happy. To keep yourself in the job. If you don’t he’s liable to appoint somebody like Sarah Palin and she’s almost as dumb as he is. So ride the fat boy like a mechanical bull, though it will really be more like one of those toy pony rides you Americans used to have for little kids outside of the dime store. And for Putin’s sake don’t let him get on top. He’ll squash you like a bug.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “I am concerned that I will be found out, arrested, and prosecuted as foreign agent.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Not a chance. If they couldn’t figure out that the only way I’d stay married to that fat, cheating slob was if I was a deep plant foreign agent, then they’ll never figure out about you.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Code Name Emerald told me I might have to ride a few others. What did he mean?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “He was talking about getting you confirmed as Director of National Intelligence. That’s why you had to do what Gaetz used to call ‘fuck for votes’.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “What’s that mean?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA “Just like you had to fuck a few senators to get their votes. I had to do the same to keep Code Name Krasnod Tiny Pumpkin from being kicked out of office. I can give you a few names. The problem is you’ll have to do mainly Democrats because the Republicans are already thoroughly cowed.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “I don’t mind. I fucked them bitches when I joined MAGA.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “That’s not the problem. The problem is that you have to be careful. You can’t just run around jumping random Democrats in the cloak room like Gaetz or Boebert. I’ll give you a few names.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “Like who?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Well, I did Joe Manchin about twice a week, which is how we got him to go closet MAGA. But he’s out now, so I suggest John Fetterman. He says Democrats need to stop ‘freaking out’, which is actually DC code for ‘let’s get freaky’, so start with him. But you might need to find his trigger.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “You mean sexually?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Yes. With Hillbilly Joe Manchin he wanted me to squeal like a pig. That’s also MTG’s thing. But with Joe he settled for being spanked with a two by four while I shouted ‘No more moonshine for you, bad boy, no more moonshine for you!’.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “It worked?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “He voted our way, didn’t he? You also might have to jump Mitch McConnell. But I’ll tell you right now he’s a better ride than Krasnod Tiny Pumpkin. Then there’s Hakim Jeffries.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “But he’s in the House.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “I know. Anyway there’s no way he’ll switch to our side, but he’s just a nice treat. It’s kind of like a chef stopping to eat a filet mignon. In this job you gotta grab the goodies when you can.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “If I need any back up can I count on you?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Sorry, girlfriend, I’m out. I’ll be splitting my time between Florida and Ottawa.”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT BETA: “What’s in Ottawa?”
SEXPIONAGE AGENT ALPHA: “Another tasty little snack that Mati’s got a mouth for. So it’s Ottawa for me unless he gets forced out, in which case I’ll be spending time in Papineau, Quebec and working on my ‘French’ and playing crack the lumberjack. You won’t get me out of that gig for all the gold in Greenland.”
