Russia Defeats US in Cold War World Series Rematch
They really deserved the win!” said Trump, Manager of the American team
Russia defeated the United States today in the final game of a much anticipated rematch of the Cold War World Series, clinching the championship.
“They played hard, they played smart, and they won it fair and square!” said Donald Trump, manager of the United States team as he handed over the coveted trophy, his face beaming.
“My chuvaks, they play like hero, show they best.” said Vladimir Putin, manager of the Russian team. “The Америкос only win first time when cheat. But we win now.”
One reporter wondered aloud if Putin’s comment about cheating revealed more than the Russian skipper had intended, having witnessed several odd incidents during the championship game.
“Instead of utilizing signals like everybody else, Trump used a bullhorn to tell the pitcher what to throw.” said the reporter. “Not sure that was a good idea.”
“He told me to throw a fast ball down and in to a batter who hits down and in fastballs out of the park.” complained one pitcher. “And he used the bullhorn! The fucking ball landed in Red Square!”
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Opinion among fans on Trump’s managing of the team was mixed.
“He was playing a smart game.” said Mark Allen of Grits, Alabama. “He was trying to mess with their heads. I thought it was going to work.”
Chuck Schumer, a fan from Brooklyn, New York disagreed.
“I became suspicious when I looked into the dugout from my first row seats and saw Trump eating caviar. Then when their pitcher beaned our guy and the team started to charge the mound Trump picked up a bat and brained our best catcher Vladdie Zelenskyy! I’m surprised Vladdie didn’t clean his clock!”
“I was very surprised and disappointed at that incident.” said Assistant Manager JD Vance. “I mean, Zelenskyy didn’t even thank Trump for keeping him out of trouble. Zel could have been thrown out of the game for charging the mound!”
“What I want to know is why when our pitching coach went out to the mound, Trump let Putin go out there too!” asked one disgusted fan. “That makes no sense!”
Several benched US players complained that Trump did not put in his best guys.
“Not only did he bench us, but the week before the game he trades CQ Brown, Franchetti, Fagan, Slife, and two others!” said one player. “And what does he get? Two batboys, a groundskeeper, a relief pitcher with a 50 mile per hour fastball, and a couple of hotdog venders!”
Trump’s coaching team disagreed with the harsh judgement.
“He had to trade those guys.” said First Base Coach Marco Rubio. “The only reason some of them were even on the team was they were black or had vaginas. Plus, our grass didn’t look so good last week.”
“The bullhorn idea was genius!” declared Third Base Coach Pete Hegseth. “They could never know if it was a trick or not. Of course it never was, but they didn’t know that, which is what made it so smart.”
Hegseth, who was thrown out of an earlier game for groping a ball girl, also came under some criticism from disgruntled fans.
“Why did he keep shouting at our catcher not to throw out base stealers?” asked one. “In the first three games of the series Zelenskyy stopped them cold!”
“I was also confused when Trump made him play without a catcher's mask, shin guards, and chest protection!” said another fan. “He took a damn beating!”
“Yeah, but that tough fucker stayed in there!” said Schumer of Brooklyn. “That’s one tough son of a bitch!”
Under highly unusual terms, as a result their victory the Russian team gets certain rewards, including possession of catcher Zelenskyy’s house. They also will be allowed to expand their roster to 100 players. Several teams will be absorbed into the Russian organization, giving up their major league status to become minor league farm teams of the Russians. Those teams include the Polish, Latvian, Lithuanian, Estonian, Hungarian, Serbian, Bulgarian, and Slovakian teams. For now.
“We have nothing to be ashamed of!” gushed Trump. “We played a good game and I did a wonderful job of managing! The best of anyone! Much better than Senile Biden, Stupid Bush, or that Muslim Kenyan Obama! Sure the Russians came out on top, but there should be no hard feelings!”
In a demonstration of good sportsmanship, Skipper Putin invited Skipper Trump to the Russian victory orgy.
“We have vodka, caviar, and golden showers.” promised Putin. “Trump love that stuff.”
Said the Russian Manager as he accepted the coveted trophy from defeated Manager Donald Trump. “I work for this long time. Managers Obama, Bush, Biden keep it from me. But I got it now. I knew Krasnov was good bet.”
When asked who this “Krasnov” was to whom he referred, the Russian manager smiled.
“Not even Krasnov know who Krasnov is.” he replied.
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