Musk Fires Trump
Trump didn't properly submit his five bullet points.
In a shocking development today, DOGE-MOFO Obergruppenfuhrer Elon Musk fired Donald Trump from his position as President of the United States.
“Trump missed the deadline in the email directive to send a 5 bullet point reply summarizing what he had accomplished this week.” explained Musk. “And when he did, his reply was inadequate.”
When asked by reporters to provide a copy of the former president’s email, the Office of DOGE-MOFO Obergruppenfuhrer provided two versions.
“The first is the original email from Mr. Trump.” said spokesperson Pippa Squeak. “The second is a redacted version lacking the caps, the run on stream-of-consciousness paragraphs, and new words invented by Trump such as ‘Muskalicious’, the meaning of which we have yet to determine.”
Appearing before the White House Press Corp, Obergruppenfuhrer Musk discussed the inadequacy of Trump’s response to the DOGE-MOFO email and subsequent reasons for firing the President.
“Trump provided the requisite five bullet points summarizing what he had accomplished in the previous week.” explained Musk. “But several of them proved to be inaccurate.”
When asked to go into more detail by an AP reporter who had smuggled herself into the press conference disguised as a Secret Service Agent, Musk indicated the first bullet point.
“The former President claimed to have ‘Cut the legs out from under a democratic ally who is defending itself against armed aggression from a predator state’.” said Mr. Musk. “One could argue that is technically correct. But the fact is that Secretary of Defense Hegseth and Secretary of State Rubio did the heavy lifting in that effort. Trump was just along for the ride.”
In response to a question from Izvestia about who should get the credit for stabbing Ukraine in the back, Musk responded “You could say Trump handed Hegseth and Rubio the knives. But they stabbed the bitch.”
Musk also had difficulties with former President Trump’s second related bullet point.
“He said he had ‘forged a beautiful partnership with a fantastic antidemocratic, militarily aggressive neo-fascist regime’.” said the Obergruppenfuhrer. “That is untrue because we have not yet signed an agreement with the Putin Regime to that effect, though I am certain Secretary Rubio will follow through. But in these emails federal employees cannot claim credit for plans, only for items which have been implemented.”
Trump’s third bullet point particularly incensed Musk.
“He claimed to have ‘eviscerated yugely the loser Federal Civil Service, firing disloyal competent employees and installing wonderful sycophants lacking any understanding of their agencies in high positions’. That’s my deal! I did that shit, not him! He just named a few butt kissers to office who I and my DOGE-MOFO’s had vetted. He can’t claim credit for that!”
An unnamed spokesperson for former President Trump responded to that remark by saying “Musk would not have been able to rip the dick off the Civil Service if I hadn’t picked him to head up DOGE-MOFO! I put that weirdo in that position, so I get the credit for whatever shit he does!”
In challenging Trump’s fourth bullet point on the week’s accomplishments Musk raised a constitutional question.
“He says he declared himself King.” said Musk. “L’il X told me that Trump can’t do that. He said ‘Daddy. Twump not King. Constitushun not say have King. He need shut up an’ go ‘way!’ I’ve never read the Constitution because it’s just a piece of paper and real leaders don’t let the rules stop them. But L’il X has an illustrated copy called To Think That I Read It on Constitution Street, and so I’m willing to accept his interpretation.”
When asked about L’il X’s constitutional claim, Mr. Trump responded “I have the same book, but I never got through it. Let me ask Giuliani.”
In discussing Trump’s 5 bullet points, Musk admitted that the fifth might be accurate.
“Mr. Trump claimed that he ‘trashed the terrible Three Coequal Branch balance of power, installing the head of the Executive Branch as a ruler with unchecked power who commands through Presidential decree’.” said Mr. Musk. “It’s hard to argue that he didn’t do that. But the requirement was the submission of FIVE bullet points. At most Trump submitted two that are accurate, and I would say only one. So he’s gone.”
Now that the President has been removed there is confusion in Washington as to who runs the government.
Democrats seem to have disappeared from the scene, with the exception of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Jasmine Crockett, Bernie Sanders, Chris Murphey, and a few others.
Meanwhile, Republicans can be seen wandering the halls of Congress with their faces hidden in their hands, sobbing “Daddy, where have you gone?” The Judicial Branch also seems largely absent, with five members of the Supreme Court having left Washington to cruise the Potomac on a boat owned by a friend of Justice Clarence Thomas.
Mr. Musk attempted to clear up the confusion.
“My DOGE-MOFO kids are running things now. L’il X tells me that with Trump gone Vice-President Vance is supposed to take over. But we don’t know if Vance submitted his five bullet points. We have millions of them to go through. But once we have checked his, if it turns out he did better than Trump and I don’t have to fire him, maybe he can take over. We’ll see.”
