If Trump had been Zelenskyy
An alternate universe adventure
In an alternative universe on February 24, 2022, President Donald Trumpsky of Ukraine learns that his nation has been invaded by a powerful neighbor to the east.
AIDE: President Trumpsky! Russian tanks have crossed the border and are attacking our troops! They seem to be headed for Kiev!
TRUMPSKY: Russian troops? That’s impossible! Putin is one of my closest friends! Why would my pal invade us?
AIDE: I don’t know sir! But Defense Minister Hegsethovitch is here to brief you.
HEGSETHOVITCH: President Trumpsky, have you heard? We have been invaded by Putin’s army!
TRUMPSKY: No way! I’m president of the Kiev Chapter of the Vladimir Putin Fan Club! He’d never do that to me!
HEGSETHOVITCH: I brought Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbardskaya with me. She says there’s no doubt!
TRUMPSKY: Why didn’t we have any warning of this from our undercover agents in Moscow?
GABBARDSKAYA: I don’t know, President Krasnov, I mean Trumpsky. All of our agents went dark last week after I sent Russian Intelligence all of their names and addresses so they could be invited to Putin’s birthday party.
TRUMPSKY: That’s weird.
HEGSETHOVITCH: Maybe we should call President Zelenskyy of the United States and see what he knows.
AIDE: He’s already on the phone sir! He just called.
TRUMPSKY: Zelenskyy! We’re being invaded by my brilliant and courageous old pal Vladimir Putin!
ZELENSKYY: We told you a couple of months ago that he was going to do that. We are ready to stand with you now as democratic allies. We have ammunition and tanks prepositioned in Poland. Just say the word and they’re yours!
TRUMPSKY: I need a ride, not ammunition!
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ZELENSKYY: Aren’t you going to stay and defend your land? Maybe you should go to the front to rally your troops.
TRUMPSKY: I’d like to, but my bone spurs are acting up. It’s funny, if I run towards the fighting they really hurt, but if I run away from the fighting they help me pick up speed. But do you have Bradley Fighting Vehicles? I could use a few of those.
ZELENSKYY: We can send more than a few. We can send hundreds.
TRUMPSKY: No, I only need a few. One for me, one for Hegsethovitch, and one for Gabbardskaya.
ZELENSKYY: Do you intend to take on the Russian Army all by yourselves?
TRUMPSKY: No, I intend to fill up those bitches with all the gold they will carry and bug out west. By the way, can you send me some Mexicans?
ZELENSKYY: I can send you American advisors, and some of them might be Americans of Mexican ancestry, why?
TRUMPSKY: Because I have a solid gold toilet I want ripped out and put in my limo until the Bradley’s arrive. I don’t know shit about plumbing.
AIDE: Mr. President! Our brave heroes on Snake Island were told by the Russians to surrender. Not only did they refuse but they told them “Russian Navy, go fuck yourselves!”
TRUMPSKY: Well, tell them to shut up! They’ll just make the Russians mad. Geez! Now I have to call up Putin and apologize! I’ll also ask him why he’s invading.
ZELENSKYY: That’s obvious, Mr. President. He wants Ukraine to become part of Russia. He’s trying to reestablish the borders of the Soviet Union.
TRUMPSKY: But I thought we had a deal when I gave him Crimea and told him he should clear out all of the people and make it a beautiful luxury vacation spot on the Black Sea. Hey, that gives me an idea! They should do that in Gaza! That would solve the Mideast situation and guarantee peace for generations!
AIDE: President Trumpsky. General CQ Brownovitch is here!
TRUMPSKY: I thought I fired that guy last week for being black. Oh, hell, go ahead and let him in.
GENERAL BROWNOVITCH: President Trumpsky! I’m here to offer my services in any way you need. I have decades of experience as a warrior, an Air Force Officer, and a fighter pilot. What can I do?
TRUMPSKY: Do you know anything about plumbing? I’ve got a toilet I need torn out.
BROWNOVITCH: I was thinking more along the lines of getting in a fighter jet and kicking some Russian ass. We need to rally our warriors and defend our land!
TRUMPSKY: You mean like those guys who stormed the beaches of Normandy and defeated the Nazis?
BROWNOVITCH: Yes, Sir!
TRUMPSKY: I never could figure out what those guys thought was in that for them. I tell you what. If you can find a few of those losers who know about plumbing, send them on over. Otherwise, if you want to jump in your jet and go shoot at Russians, be my guest. Putin’s already pissed anyway, and I doubt he’ll worry about losing some troops any more than I will.
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BROWNOVITCH: I’ll be in a jet if you need me. Otherwise, fuck off.
TRUMPSKY: Hey, Zelenskyy. How much weight will one of those Bradley things carry?
ZELENSKYY: I’m not sure, but Brownovitch could have told you. Why?
TRUMPSKY: Because that solid gold toilet weighs about 625 pounds. With gold at $1,908.90 an ounce that means the shitter is worth about $19,080,000 bucks. I’m not leaving it behind, but I think it might be too heavy for the limo. So send me those Bradleys.
AIDE: Mr. President! Our army has stopped the Russians! If President Zelenskyy delivers on his promise of military aid and we can get more from our democratic European allies, we might even be able to push them back! But we have to act quickly! It’s possible the Russians could try an airborne assault on Kiev!
TRUMPSKY: That changes everything! There’s only one thing to do! With an airborne assault the Russians could be here in just a few hours and we must act! Everybody grab a crow bar and lets get that gold toilet out of the shithouse and into the fucking limo!