Dear Mr. Trump. Please Add Me To Your Enemies List
I've Got The Chops
Dear Mr. Trump: I am writing to you to explain why you should add me to your already extensive enemies list.
I am aware that legions of Americans are hoping to be placed on your enemies list, and deciding who should be granted that high honor will difficult. When examining White House Enemies lists of the past we see that they were filled with many of our most illustrious Americans. The most famous of those lists, that of Richard Nixon, included great actors like Paul Newman and Gregory Peck, as well as labor and political leaders such as Leonard Woodcock (head of the United Auto Workers) and Representative John Conyers of Michigan. Hunter S. Thompson remarked that he regretted not making the list.
I do not want to have to carry around the same regret as that great writer.
Partly for that reason my suggestion is that you go another way. You are the leader of a populist movement that claims to smash the elites that hold down the common man. Of course I believe that to be bullshit. But if it is not, you should smash the elitist lock on enemies lists by adding “Average Joes” just like me.
I think that my qualifications for being included on the list as an Average Joe, a guy who did the best he could with the limited means at his disposal, are quite strong.
First, since 2015 I have explained to friends and loved ones, and indeed to anyone who would listen, that you are a psychotic sociopath with delusions of sanity. Watching year after year as you mix your word-salad slavered in chunky bullshit dressing has only served to convince me that my appraisal of your personal character (or lack thereof) is correct. I have used all of the available social media in an attempt to spread that message. While I admit such efforts fall far short of those of popular “influencers”, I have done my best and think that I should get some credit for trying
As for your followers, I consider the most fervent of them to be the kind of braindead zombies that could not have been trusted with the knowledge of Anne Frank’s hiding place. I fully expect to see them slowly driving by schoolyards, photographing children whom they suspect of being undocumented immigrants, and then submitting the photos to some federal rat line.
I am not sure what I will do when I witness those activities, but I am working on an air cannon made of pvc pipe that can launch chunks of manure approximately 100 yards. The accuracy is a bit off, but with more work I hope to have it fully operational by Inauguration Day.
One of my most useful activities has been in acting as a legal observer at racial justice rallies. One task was to photograph and videotape police action against peaceful protestors, such as when I witnessed riot police attack a Souls to the Polls march. At that event I saw an elderly woman fall from her wheelchair due to the press of the crowd caused by charging riot gear clad cops. I might be able to find the photo, and if you wish I’ll send it to you. You’d probably get a kick out of it. Anyway, those rallies slowed down when Joe Biden was president and I expect them to pick up again. I’d appreciate it if you could show my picture to whatever jackbooted neo Nazi thug force you intend to unleash on the protestors, and ask them not to shoot me in the legs. I’m 66 years old now and I heal more slowly than I used to.
I am not a very snappy dresser. To be truthful, I’m a bit of a schlub. But I do try to make my clothes speak to the moment. One of my favorite t shirts praises a man whom you seem to despise with an all consuming hatred that threatens to set your head off like an exploding fireball. I have posted a picture of the shirt below. Given the fact that you are a tender balled little bitch boy whose feelings are more sensitive than a scrotum buffed with sand paper, that photo alone might score me a spot on the list.
A further qualification for my inclusion on the enemies list is that on election day I worked the polls as an observer in an attempt to counteract the voter suppression strategies of the North Carolina Republican Party. I did the same in 2016 when you actually lost the popular vote. Who knows? Maybe I helped you lose that vote in 2016 when I was able to get some voters to cast provisional ballots who otherwise might not have voted at all.
I have future plans to be a pain in your fat ass, though they are modest compared to those of people like Adam Schiff. I plan to take Conversational Spanish classes at the local community college so I can be of assistance to my Spanish speaking neighbors as they try to navigate the minefields of xenophobia and anti immigrant laws with which you will strew our nation . And in two years when we have the mid term elections I will be able to help those voters whose lack of English skills might make it difficult for them to exercise the franchise. Just imagine: new citizens who speak little English able to vote against your party due to my modest efforts.
I am fully aware that the qualifications I have listed in the hope of being granted the honor of being added to your enemies list are modest. In typing them out I was almost embarrassed at their modesty. But I feel that I have done my best given my limited opportunities. If you feel these efforts fall short of what is required to make the enemies list I would appreciate some advice from you or one of your maggot brained, neo-Nazi thugs. Perhaps Steven Miller could take the time to drop me a line with some suggestions of what else I could do to effectively turn my overwhelming disgust at the putrid collection of rotting garbage that is Donald Jackoff Trump, 47th President and Numero Uno Pendejo of the United States of America, into effective, real world action. I am always willing to learn.
Thank you for your time. I am sure that you have a lot to do in planning how to drive our Republic to its knees and snuff out all that is good and holy in the American experiment, and I appreciate you taking the time to read and possibly snarl at my letter in rabid, beast like fury. I only hope the foam springing angrily from your lying, pestilential pie hole doesn’t damage your phone. If it does, put it in dry rice for several hours.
Respectfully Yours,
Richard M. Johnson
