A 30,000 Pound Bomb To Destroy The Epstein Files
A Saturday night conversation
TRUMP: What?! The Iranians have the Epstein Files!
GABBARD: Yes, Mr. President. Evidently the Ayatollah Khamenei reads from them at parties.
TRUMP: How did they get them? I thought they were being moved to a more secure location!
GABBARD: It was Hegseth.
TRUMP: Not Signal again!
GABBARD: No, sir. When he moved them he used the same messenger service he uses to deliver his booze and the kid left them at a Hookah bar.
TRUMP: So now Khamenei has them? Fuck! Do we know where they are?
GABBARD: They’re keeping them in the most secure location they have. That underground nuclear facility at Fordo. The scientists like to read them on their breaks. Your encounter with that 15 year old Armenian girl is a special favorite.
TRUMP: I swear I thought she was 16. That’s what the brochure said.
GABBARD: They also like the one with the multiracial twins, the one who’s black and the one who’s white.
TRUMP: That was fun. I called them “My DEI girls”. But I’m not sure the public would understand that I was just being inclusive.
GABBARD: Plus, they were even younger than the Armenian kid, so there’s that.
TRUMP: Is there any way we can get the Epstein Files back?
GABBARD: Maybe. What are we willing to trade?
TRUMP: How about The Statue of Liberty? Or Mount Rushmore? Offer to make the daily call to prayer from The Washington Monument? Or we could turn the the National Cathedral into a mosque!
GABBARD: How do you think your evangelical supporters would react?
TRUMP: By shouting Allahu Akbar. Those zombies think I do no wrong. I basically did the Constitution doggie style and they’re fine with that.
GABBARD: There might be another way.
TRUMP: I fucking hope so. I’ll never lose the MAGA zombies but I don’t want the Brownies or the Camp Fire Girls on my ass. So what ya got?
GABBARD: 30,000 pound bombs.
TRUMP: 30,000 pound bombs?
GABBARD: Yea, sir. The bunker busters. Netanyahu has been on you to drop them on Fordo to destroy the enrichment facility.
TRUMP: Enrichment facility? Is that place a crypto mine? Could we make a deal with them to produce my $TRUMP meme coin?
GABBARD: No, sir. Uranium enrichment so they can make bombs.
TRUMP: They’re making atomic bombs?
GABBARD: No, sir, but they’re developing the capacity. That’s why Netanyahu wants us to enter the war on Israel’s side as a combatant.
TRUMP: Is that a good idea?
GABBARD: It is if you want generations of Palestinians, other Arabs, and Iranians to see the US as a branch of Netanyahu’s military.
TRUMP: I guess its worth it to destroy the Epstein Files.
GABBARD: And we have the perfect cover. We can claim we are going after the Iranian nuclear program.
TRUMP: Will we be able to destroy the program?
GABBARD: Probably not. They’ve already moved some of their equipment and enriched material to other locations. We don’t know where. And even our 30,000 pound bombs won’t completely obliterate Fordo. Only a liar or a complete moron would claim that.
TRUMP: So if we can’t destroy Fordo why does Netanyahu want us to hit it?
GABBARD: Two reasons. One, we can’t obliterate Fordo but we can damage it and set their program back. Two, like I said it ties us to his war and we’ll have no choice but to back him until he wins.
TRUMP: That second one doesn’t sound so good. Is there another downside?
GABBARD: Yes, sir. We could convince the Iranians that they must have nuclear weapons to keep us from attacking them in the future. Let’s face it, we’ve never attacked North Korea, and they have the bomb and have threatened to use it against us. So the Iranians are likely to secretly reconstitute the program and build nukes. They know we have no long term staying power, our bailing on Ukraine proved that.
TRUMP: I don’t care. We have to destroy the Epstein Files. If dropping huge bombs on Iran will get us sucked into an endless series of wars in the Mid-East that’s just the price we pay.
GABBARD: So what are your orders, Mr. President?
TRUMP: Bomb the fuck out of them. And then get me the twins on the phone.